


Reasons

by faraandmera



Series: Pain-Verse [3]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Gen, references to / implied attempted suicide, the pairing is rather minor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 10:26:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14470653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faraandmera/pseuds/faraandmera
Summary: Sometimes Connor wonders how his mom can still love him.





	Reasons

**Author's Note:**

> blah  
> here's more garbage  
> Takes place after Pain

Vaguely, somewhere in the back of his mind, Connor remembers thinking, “how can she love me?” How was it, he had wondered, that his mother could still care about him after all the terrible things he’d said- things he’d _done_ \- to their entire family? After years of fights, of yelling and breaking things. How couldn’t she see that he was a lost cause. After the first time he tried- after he hadn’t changed at all when he returned home.

Almost a year later, he remembers asking the same question. Asking Evan- or, really, asking himself while Evan was there- because it just… didn’t make sense to him. Connor couldn’t wrap his head around why she hadn’t just given up on him. Even when he did seem to be getting better. It was only a matter of time before he ruined things again.

A year after his graduation, at the beginning of summer, Connor found himself wondering the same thing.

Zoe had a job, something to do before she went to college the following fall. Larry, no matter how much more he was trying as of late, still preferred to put his focus on Zoe over Connor, and was content encouraging her in this. Which was fine. Connor preferred that Larry not give him any attention, rather than looking only to dismiss him. It just happened that it lead to Connor realizing just how little he was doing, when they went on about what Zoe was doing- or going to do- for days on end.

And it sucked, Connor thought, because he didn’t want that to bother him. He didn’t want his sisters life- the positives of it- to upset him. Because he’d certainly done enough to ruin her life as it was. Yet, still, despite his best efforts, Connor found himself bothered. No, if he was honest, it was something more akin to envy than anything else.

He hadn’t done anything, really, It had been a year and he’d yet to do _anything_  with himself. Everyone else was doing something, at least. Evan was working, too, and spending the time he wasn’t working studying so he didn’t forget everything he’d learned in high school. Alana, of course, was in college- though she was on break- and even Jared was doing that much. More even.

Yet, there Connor was, doing nothing. Sure, he was trying to do things. But he didn’t make much progress in his art career, let alone in his recovery.

 _Recovery_. He thought, in his last year of high school, he was doing well. That he was making progress. Sure, he knew it wasn’t easy. There was no instant solution. Relapses happen. But, Connor thought, what had happened? It was like he’d not only come to a standstill in furthering his, “getting better,” but he’d relapsed more often than anyone else he knew. (He tried to be fair with himself, and remember that Evan was the only one he knew the full situation of, but still.)

“Comparing progress isn’t good,” He told himself. Connor knew he couldn’t base his recovery on others. He knew that.

“Better doesn’t mean good. You _have_ been better,” He argued with himself. If he compared himself to a few years ago, he had to be better, right?

“Just talk to someone.” He wanted to. Connor could tell himself to do as much, want to do as much, but he hadn’t. Had yet to so much as tell anyone it was bothering him. Which was stupid. He felt stupid. Because they’d understand. They had to understand. Evan had gone through the exact same thing- questioning his own progress- and they had founded their entire relationship on understanding each other.

So it only made him feel worse when he didn’t. Connor didn’t talk to anyone.

Somewhere, in the back of his mind, Connor remembers a question. How could his mom still love him?

When he broke something- he was too out of it to even check what it was- and slammed the door shut, locking himself in his room. When he ignored his entire family, and did something _stupid_. When Cynthia- when his poor, caring mother- found him. He had to wonder.

“How can you still-” Connor stared at his hands- “still love me?”

Hospitals aren’t a pleasant place to be. He hates them. Hates how often he finds himself in one. Cynthia sits beside his bed, looking as if she’d been there since he got there. Connor wouldn’t be shocked if that was the case. Zoe had been there, earlier, he thinks. Larry might have been, but Connor couldn’t remember if he was. Cynthia, though, was still there, looking genuinely surprised.

“I’m your mother-”

“Some mothers hate their kids.”

“I could never. I don’t hate you. You know that.”

“Yeah.”

“It makes me sad,” Connor flinches at the word, despite the softness with which she speaks, “to see you like this. But I love you, I could never hate you just because you’re…”

“Sick?”

“Yeah.”

Zoe’s there a few hours later. She practically forces their mother to go home- to rest- before spending some time there, herself.

“You scared us, you asshole.”

“Sorry?”

“You know- you should talk to us? Can talk to us. Or, you know, your therapist.”

“Yeah.”

“So you do know.”

“Yeah, I got it, Zo.”

“Then do it.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Good.” Zoe nods, crossing her arms. Connor can only give a small nod, himself, in response. “Evan wanted to visit, but I convinced him to wait until you were awake.”

“Oh?”

“Which I didn’t know you were yet. I’ll drive him up here tomorrow morning, okay?”

“Thanks.”

 

“Hey, do you remember- uh- okay I don’t actually remember why it came up.”

“That’s a good start.” Evan shakes his head, leaning back where he’s sitting. “What do- what should I remember?”

“When I wondered how my mom could still love me? And you were like, “moms are weird,” like that solved everything?”

“I- uh- I think so? Wasn’t that…” Evan trails off, tilting his head. “Wasn’t that right after you and Zoe accidentally came out to her?”

“Oh, was it? Look, a lot happened that… year.”

“Year.” Evan repeats.

“Yeah, year, shut up. It’s true.”

“No, you’re right. It just sounds… dramatic- I- uh- I guess?”

“Anyway.”

“Right?”

“Even after asking her- I think more than once? Even after that I still don’t fucking get it.”

“Mom’s are weird.”

“I hate you.” Connor huffs, mocking annoyance.

“That sure is- sure makes our relationship awkward. Some would say that’s not healthy.”

“What a shame. I guess we’ll have to end this.”

“They are, though.” Evan fidgets with his hands, and Connor can only nod in response. “I know what you mean, though. It feels like they… should feel differently, _but_.” Evan shrugs.

“Yeah.”

“I think it’s… okay?”

“Okay?”

“To not understand. You know, sometimes.”

“I guess so.” Connor sighs, leaning back against the hospital pillows. “When’d you get so smart?”

“I- wasn’t I always the smart one between us?”

“No, you were always a nerd. There’s a difference.”

“I don’t think that’s actually how it works.”

“No, it is. Trust me.”

“If you say so.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this pretty quickly so if there are errors you know  
> let me know  
> i don't have any fun facts prepared so uh  
> whoops


End file.
